Bondi Settles With MAGA Critics: "Conjugal visits with underage detainees."
Alligator Alcatraz rebranded as MAGA-friendly detention theme park.
THE WHITE HOUSE — “I was wrong.”
Pam Bondi says it was all a misunderstanding when she told MAGA Nation the late Jeffery Epstein’s kiddie porn “would never see the light of day.”
“Turns out they already have child porn. They just wanted what Mr. Epstein had; casual sex with people who don’t have all their molars,” Bondi explained. “As luck would have it, we have cages full of underage, MAGA-friendly detainees. And get this—everyone of them—stateless! No laws apply. Not that we apply the laws that do apply. Amirite, Mr. President?!”
“You’re doing a great job. Isn’t she doing a great job? Thank you, Pam. Today we announce, Trump Trafficking™—MAGA Loyalists only need apply. Go to TrumpTrafficking.com. I think you’ll be very happy!”
“Stephen Miller, would you like to say a few words?”
“Thank you, Mr. President. Alligator Alcatraz has partnered with Disney’s Fantasyland—the original small world people. See what we did there?! Look—these kids are getting deported anyway. Everything is provided. Trump Baby Oil. Trump Towels. I framed mine. I call it “Crusty.’”
“Mr. President, back to you.”
“When your done abusing the kids, swing by the Supreme Food Court, for a meal you can’t dismiss.”
Wicked, but also chilling.