Trump: National Age Of Consent Shall Be Ten Years Old
E.O. #76318-054: Ending the Trafficking of Underage Girls (TUG)
By the lovely & talented, Mark Whitney
THE WHITE HOUSE—TRANSCRIPT
THE PRESIDENT: This is a special one. Very important. So, I am going to read it.
I, Donald John Trump, by the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States—including Section 301 of Title 3, which I just learned about five minutes ago—do hereby declare the following:
Section 1, National Age Of Consent
The federal age of consent shall be ten. That’s ten years old. Not a perfect ten. You don’t have to be a ten. But you do have to be ten. Fortunately, or unfortunately.
Section 2, Retroactivity
This order shall be retroactive to June 14, 1964. Total coincidence—it’s the day I turn 18. Which means I can be charged as an adult. And have been. Repeatedly. Can you believe it? They charge me like an adult. That’s how seriously they take Trump!
Section 3, Epstein Clause
The Fake News media—very dishonest people—will say this has something to do with that creep Whatshistein. Not true. Just because today’s order number matches Jeff’s prison ID is what we call in the legal world: a coinkydink. Look it up. I prosecuted that creep the first time around. Why would I do that unless... well, unless I had total control over the DOJ, the Bureau of Prisons, and the calendar. Wait a minute—Pam is blinking feverishly. That means stop talking.
Section 4, States Rights
The Radical Left Demagogues will say this Order represents an outrageous arrogation of power, trampling state sovereignty. Tell that to Governor Newscum!
Not many people know this, but California, like most states, has no age of consent for marriage. If the parents say it’s okay, you can be nine, eight, seven, even six or two. I've never had a two. But, one night Jeff and I trafficked two fives. That’s ten. That should count.
Be right with you, Pam.
Nothing in this Order shall in any way be construed to create any benefit, substantive or procedural to anyone but me, your favorite President. It certainly does not apply to underage boys. I’m talking to you, Lindsey Graham!
Okay—now she’s really blinking. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
