"President Trump limits his raping to adult women."~Ghislaine Maxwell
The serial perjurer demands immediate transfer to Leon County Juvenile Detention Center in exchange for testimony.
By the lovely & talented, Mark Whitney
TALLAHASSE, FL · MINUTES AGO
LEAKED DOJ DEPOSITION TRANSCRIPT OF GHISLAINE MAXWELL
Earlier today, Justice Department officials interviewed the serial perjurer and former Epstein girlfriend, Ghislaine Maxwell. Her lawyer says she spent all day answering questions. Througha series of fortuitous events that never happened, America’s Coach™ obtained a copy of today’s deposition of Ghislaine Maxwell, as conducted by top DOJ official, Todd Blanche. To say things went off the rails is an understatement.
Blanche: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Maxwell: Ahh—yeah—sure—absolutely—whatever you say.
Blanche: Yes or no?
Maxwell: Truth is binary now?
Blanche: You realize I can put you in the hole?
Maxwell: The hole? You know who you’re talkin’ to, right? I mean, can you also keep me abreast? Or—let me guess—you wanna’ get to the bottom of this?
Blanche: Now you sound like Mr. Epstein.
Maxwell: Ahh—my beloved, Jeffrey—even his lawyer couldn’t get him off.
Blanche: Ms. Maxwell, you’re doing 20 years.
Maxwell: That’s a stiff sentence. Which is more than I can say for the President!
Blanche: You saw Mr. Trump naked?
Maxwell: Many times.
Blanche: Can you describe what the President looks like naked?
Maxwell: Ahh—lemme see—he’s looks like whatever Stormy said and also South Park.
Blanche: Was he naked in the presence of underage girls?
Maxwell: Never. It’s even crazier than that!
Blanche: Crazy how?
Maxwell: The President is gay. I saw him naked with Jeffrey.
Blanche: Did the President and Mr. Epstein engage in homosexual acts together?
Maxwell: Like you were saying at the top of the show—I mean deposition—all roads lead to the hole.
Blanche: Answer the question, please.
Maxwell: I’m not saying anything until you pull your pants back up, unless you wanna’ do a little motion practice.
Blanche: The President is a happily married man.
Maxwell: He’s definitely married. But Jeffrey knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who denies that Melania was trafficked.
Blanche: I never asked about the First Lady.
Maxwell: But you did ask if I would tell the truth—and never got an answer—so, I’m thinkin’ if Mr. Blanche doesn’t care about answers to questions he does ask, why not answer some questions Mr. Blanche didn’t ask? How about this—the President is gay. Does that work for you?
Blanche: Where do you come up with this shit—I mean excrement.
Maxwell: You mean the self-defecating humor?
Blanche: Let’s get down to business.
Maxwell: Fine. I, Ghislaine Maxwell, do solemnly swear that President Trump limits his raping to grown women. Do I get what I want now—or do I misremeber differently for Congress?
Blanche: That depends. We are also investigating David Copperfield.
Maxwell: Copafeel.
Blanche: What’s that?
Maxwell: David Copafeel. That’s what Mr. Epstein used to call him.
Blanche: Why didn’t you disclose this in the colloquy at your Rule 11 hearing or in your response to the presentence investigation? If you gave us Copafeel, I mean, Copperfield, it could’ve cut your time in half.
Maxwell: David had a more compelling offer. He was like, “Did you see what I did to Claudia Schiffer?”
Blanche: What did he do to Claudia Schiffer?
Maxwell: He cut her in half! Today when they book a bikini shoot, her agent is like: “Top or bottom?”
Blanche: My understanding is that you suspect Mr. Copperfield played a role in Jeffrey’s death.
Maxwell: The guy specializes in making people disappear.
Blanche: What are you looking for? A pardon, immediate release, or both?
Maxwell: In exchange for remembering truthfully that we have a closeted President who covers himself by raping only adult women and never underaged girls, I want my sentence increased from 20 years to life.
Blanche: Come again?
Maxwell: That’s okay—I’m good.
Blanche: I mean—life sentence. That’s it?
Maxwell: Not quite—I want to spend the rest of my life at the nearby Leon County Juvenile Detention Center, where I can give back by offering counseling, academic and life skills services for girls ages 12-17 who are at-risk of languishing in the juvenile justice system when they could take matters into their own hands by becoming massage therapists.
Blanche: I will take your offer to the President.
Maxwell: ♫YMCA bitches!!!♫
