America’s Coach Live! — 9:00 AM PT — Monday, June 16, 2025
Location: San Diego, California
Host: Mark Whitney
On today’s episode of America’s Coach Live, Mark Whitney goes full late-show with a scorching monologue that blends satire, civil liberties, and absurdity. From a Border Patrol takedown of a U.S. citizen in East L.A. to robot dogs sniffing out Melania at Trump’s military parade, no institution is safe. We revisit the Weinstein jury room chaos, roast the officer who talks about himself in the third person, and unpack the walking school bus disaster. Plus: why $40K summer camps are out, and kid rotting is in. It’s raw, it’s fast, and it’s not for brunch with your pastor.
TOP FIVE LINES FROM TODAY’S SHOW
"You don’t get to scream, 'You touched the officer,' when the officer is you. That’s not a police report—that’s schizophrenia."
"If a guy from East L.A. can’t prove he’s American, we’re gonna need to deport the entire cast of Fast & Furious."
"ICE isn’t just detaining immigrants anymore. They’re detaining the idea of America."
"The GEO Group Keto Plan—you lose weight fast, mostly from despair and fiberboard poisoning."
"That robot dog sniffs Melania’s ass and says, ‘Mom?’"
COLD OPEN — ABC NEWS’ MATT GUTMAN TO LAPD: No, I didn’t. You’re on TV and now you’re pushing me on live television. “We didn’t touch anybody—you know that’s true. Tensions are extremely high here. These folks are tired. It’s been a long day, and a long week...
SHADOE STEVENS: From San Diego, California — Mark Whitney!
COACH:
Good morning, everybody. It's 9 o'clock, Monday, June 16th, 65 degrees and sunny in San Diego. We’re live and in color at AmericasCoach.com. If you’re listening on audio—get over here and subscribe. Because this episode? This one’s meant to be seen, not heard. We’ve got visuals. We’ve got video. We’ve got one rule: Never explain a smart joke to an idiot!
Segment One: "Mom?"
Have you seen these creepy robot dogs from the Trump parade this weekend? They bring out the robot named Spot. Jumps up into the stands, sniffs Melania’s ass, and says, “Mom?!”
First draft joke. Don’t look at me like that. Run it past my wife—law degree and all. She says, “If you tell that joke, Trump is gonna get you.”
“Why? I don’t call Melania a dog—I call her a robot.”
But Julie’s first thought? The President is going to come after me for a joke. That’s the world we’re living in. I’ve been telling jokes in public for 20 years, and now she’s worried about political retaliation.
Anyway, that robot dog? That thing is nightmare fuel.
Segment Two: Weinstein Trial — Internalized Feelings Unit
Let’s pop over to the SkyCam. This is the jury room in the Harvey Weinstein trial. The 49th time he’s been tried for rape. Here’s my question: In what universe are 12 New Yorkers going to agree on the definition of rape? Juror #7 goes to the judge and says: “Is it rape if he bought the bitch pizza?”
Now—I may have made that up. But only barely. The jury foreman won’t even go into the room. Everyone’s fighting. So what does the judge do? Orders Starbucks.
Segment Three: Don’t Touch the Officer
Back to the live clip. Let’s roll it again. "Tensions are extremely high..." Yeah, no kidding. The officer yells: “You touched the officer!”
Hold up. Why is the officer talking about himself like he’s not there? You don’t get to say “You touched the officer” when you are the officer. That’s not a police report—that’s schizophrenia. Sounds less like an arrest and more like a very confusing massage.
What’s next? “You grazed the corporal?” “You looked at the lieutenant?”
Buddy, calm down. Nobody’s out here playing Seven Minutes in Kevlar. Maybe that’s just how he talks at home. Wife says, “Rick, are you seriously yelling at me in front of the kids?” Rick says, “You disrespected the officer!”
Later that night: He walks in naked with a belt on, whispering: “Why haven’t you touched the officer? And what about my little officer, huh? Deputy?”
If your man calls his junk “the officer,” divorce him. That man has definitely screamed at a Panera employee.
And back to the reporter—Matt Gutman. That man is network handsome. You think the officer didn’t notice? That wasn’t police work. That was cheekbone confusion.
This wasn’t a confrontation. This was Desire vs. Protest Lust. The officer's sweating.
Deep down, he wanted Gutman to touch the officer. Just gently. On the shoulder. Maybe somewhere quiet, with wind chimes.
Segment Four: ICE, Identity, and the Border-Patrol Spreadsheet Purge
Now take a look at this headline from today’s New York Times: “Fears of racial profiling rise as Border Patrol conducts roving patrols, detains U.S. citizen.”
Here’s the real story: Brian Gavidia. Tow yard owner in L.A. Working on a car when armed, masked men shove him against a fence. They bark: “What hospital were you born in?”
He says: “I don’t know, dawg—East L.A., bro!”
Sounds pretty damn American to me! If we’re deporting guys from East L.A., then we’re gonna need to deport Fast & Furious!
DHS says he wasn’t arrested. Okay. So he was just thrown against a fence by men with guns. That’s not arrest—it’s a patriotic massage!
Segment Five: Detainees vs. Prisoners (A Word Problem)
Let’s talk nomenclature. Detainees. Detention centers. You know why it’s called that? Because calling it a prison would trigger actual rights. A detainee has no right to bail, to counsel, to confront their accuser, to discovery—because they’re not charged with a crime.
Like the four guys in Newark who escaped when the wall collapsed. Not Shawshank. Just… drywall and mesh. They leaned on the wall. The wall gave up. That’s not a prison. That’s a Pinterest fail. These are for-profit prisons. GEO Group.
Their facilities are weight-loss retreats for people with ankle monitors. Detainees say they weren’t fed for 16 hours. GEO says the meals are “dietician-approved.” Yeah, it’s the GEO Keto Plan—you lose weight from despair and drywall dust.
Segment Six: Rotting Kids and the Walking School Bus
Let’s close on a lighter note. Should kids rot all summer? Kid rotting. Not rotten kids. Rotting. That’s when you let your kid sit around and do nothing—and then write a blog post about it like it’s a parenting breakthrough. In my day, we called that being poor.
Now it’s: “Our little Brayden speaks four languages. He can afford to be lazy.” Yeah? My kid speaks one—and it’s mostly YouTube Shorts.
And the Walking School Bus—it’s a real thing. It’s just… kids walking. With a chaperone. No bus. Meanwhile, the unemployed driver of a real bus is around the corner, sees this parade of second graders, and shouts: “Nobody’s taking my job!”
Boom—backpacks fly. Karen dives like she’s saving a kid from a gluten IED. Summer camps cost $40,000 now. One mom skips camp and takes the kids to Europe because it's cheaper. That’s where we’re at.
Final Thought: From Camp to Compost
Used to be a kid could pile sticks, throw a rock, come home with a broken tooth and a story. Now? You break a tooth, your mom sues the oak tree for emotional negligence. We’ve gone from love to tolerance. From camp to compost. From school bus to walking school bus to publicly-subsidized parade of doom. And somehow… Brayden still wins.
See you tomorrow, 9AM Pacific. Only at AmericasCoach.com.
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